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The door
February 3, 2018 | 7:56:00 AM | 0 comment(s)

Image result for waiting anime gif

This feeling. It feels like being outside a room, right in front of an unlocked door. One hand is reaching the knob, but I just could not bring myself to open it. 

And because the hand has been there for quite a while, it gets tired. Letting a small sigh, I reluctantly lower it down. 

I tried knocking, making occasional sound to send a message that there's a person outside -- But just like last time and every single time, there's no answer. It leaves me uneasy. Were the knocks too slow that they could not be heard? Or were they intentionally ignored? Did the person inside despise me as a guest, or waiting for the door to be opened?

It's a door, not a see through pane, nor a window. Not a long stare, let alone a glance could figure out what lies on the other side. Is the door meant for an entrance or is it an exit?

I guess I am too afraid. I'm afraid of what's waiting on the other side. I am afraid of whether I am ready to accept any possible outcomes, of what would greet me from behind. Because once it's opened, a lot would change.

Knowing that I would never have enough strength to open the door right now, all I could cling onto is just a hope -- for the door to be at least slightly opened from the inside. It does not have to be wide, a slight one would do. A slight one would be enough, that is, if the outside was so dark, it would appear as if there's a line of light emitted from the inside. That would be more than enough. For at least I can take a peek and decide. Of whether I should stay or walk away.

Right now, all I could afford is to wait outside, staring blankly at the door, probably waiting for a new courage. This hand is reaching the knob a few times, I just need some faith to give it a turn. Or maybe I'll just wait. At least until I found enough reasons and strength to walk away, accepting that the door is  not meant to be opened by me.

Right now. That is how it feels like.

| 6:04:00 AM | 0 comment(s)

Image result for surprised anime gif

Sheeeeesh kebab What a start for 2018 . How did I miss my monthly post, it's already February. 

Saturday, 1:51am @ Mc Cafe in Germany
December 23, 2017 | 8:33:00 AM | 0 comment(s)

I am writing this while I have no other options to retreat, when the only choice to feel better is to write. These cluttered thoughts are starting to turn into one big pile of mess. I am with the crowd, but only physically. Those voices, laughters, they are loud and fun. They are also welcoming and warm, yet they can't compete with the voice I'm having inside my head.

I wish I could grab the root of what's going on. I wish I could dissect my head, take out all these thoughts and start to solve them as if they were jigsaws. That's the worst part, I'm overwhelmed by what I can't really comprehend. It would have been a lot, lot bearable if I could figure out the reason(s). When I crave space, I unintentionally push people away. I wish I have this sign written on my head explaining why I have to do this because right now it's hard to even say a few words, let alone explaining why I need to be alone.

Right now I feel so blessed to have all these people. These past few days travelling together have been so memorable. They're all sitting beside me, playing cards at Mc Cafe since 12am. I really appreciate all the kind words, all concerns expressed, all jokes and humour to cheer me up, all reassuring smile, all invitations when it's time for next game, all spaces given yet sadly I can't even genuinely smile or properly say thank you. The happiness they're feeling right now, the good moments they're having right now, those delight screams at winning, those laughter at losing, that kind of happiness, I sincerely wish it would stay the same way for them.

I'm done blaming myself every time I feel the need to withdraw from the crowd. To indulge in self-guilt is no longer what I shall do. It is complicated and the guilt is still there, but somehow, I can't stop my demanding nature. I shall give myself space -- what it really demands. I'm withdrawing from the crowd, and it's okay.

I guess It's okay to feel overwhelmed eventhough I can't really understand why, and I, too, hope I would be okay tomorrow.

What a shame
November 12, 2017 | 5:54:00 AM | 0 comment(s)

I walked through this one building, in this city that still felt new. I was all by myself for a recharge. I walked through this one short passageway, to go to the other side. Strangely enough, it felt as if the world has paused for a while. It felt as if there's a new world at the end of the way. It made me realised something. 
What a shame.

It's already approaching the end of autumn. What a shame, it felt like I didn't cherish it enough. It's always been a rush. To get to the other side, to get a couple of things from that store, to get onto the bus. Everything sounded like a plan with one aim -- Make everything as fast as possible. Do this as quick as you can, walk with your biggest pace, do not wait.  It's not wrong to be in a rush for such important things. But it should be limited only in a physical sense. It's a shame how my mind got carried away as well. 

It's the impatience to go home after class because of the cold weather, to let the days pass quicker, to sigh at the temperature. It's to rush on the adaptation without actually enjoying the process  . What a shame. 

I forgot. In the midst of the cool breeze, the rustling leaves, the single digits in the temperature reading, I forgot at just how calming it could be. 

It's when your daily pants has become the second layer because you now need an extra layer underneath, it's when you pull out your hoodie from your thickest outer because it's starting to rain, to put on the knitted scarf around your neck, to snuggle under the thick cover, to sip on a cup of hot chocolate, the excitement at your visible breath when it's really really cold. I should've noticed all of it earlier.

A momentary walk through that passageway has knocked my senses. It's still walking at your biggest pace, but not with the thought of going home. It's cherishing with your mind, even when you're in a rush. 

After that realisation, I began to notice more things. I noticed how days by days, the road would appear narrower that it actually was,  because the leaf piles by the roadside were growing. I noticed how yesterday those leaves would still make a crunchy sound when you step on them but today, everything just squished together. I noticed how that day tiny frosts were formed on that tram railway because the previous night was so cold. I began to notice more, and cherish more. 

And that's why once in a while, I need a retreat. 

Yes you should rush, but not with your mind.

I made it
September 30, 2017 | 6:19:00 AM | 0 comment(s)

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For what I've been saying to myself over and over, for what I have been endlessly convincing myself for so long, for what I have been forcefully reassuring myself to believe, finally today I could say it.  I made it. 

It has been too many phases, I've been holding on for too long. I'm done feeding on my own illusive expectations, my own lies --- for years and years. 

For the sight of a slight update which used to excite, it didn't affect me as much now. For what used to break me badly once, I discovered the same thing recently and it didn't haunt me as much. The presence of someone new in your life instead brought me a smile, almost like a validation -- that it is finally the right time to completely let go. Surprisingly what consumed me was tranquility rather than what used to be sadness and disappointment . I finally realised. What used to be a deep sigh now becomes a breath of relief.  It's not hate, it's not denying. It's finally accepting. 

For all the answers I yearned for, I finally discovered the real one answer -- questions aren't always meant to be answered. For all the opportunities I missed along the way, I would treat all the lessons as my compensation.

For what isn't meant to be. I am letting you go. With a smile

Where the heart is
August 24, 2017 | 4:08:00 AM | 0 comment(s)

I am never really away from home. The furthest I've been was for university. Of course the first week or even month was hard. There were times when I felt like going home when things got out of hand. But soon, adaptation took place and I got better. 

I don't really think that's what homesickness really feels like. Because no matter how miserable I was, it's still with the thought of  "I can still go home", " I just need to survive for this certain amount of time before going home" The distance is still reachable. That's what keeps me going. Therefore, I was fine for most of the time and never really experienced homesickness. 

I'm in the middle of sorting things out for my upcoming semester and if everything goes well and approved I would complete my final year abroad. Of course I am excited but I get anxious at the same time. I think that is when I would really discover the true definition of homesickness.

When I said I would miss home, it's not the physical thing as in the house I would miss. It's what makes home, home. It's the people that you love and treasure. You see, we grow and get older each day and so do people we love. It's not because I am spoiled, or weak but I have to admit I get worried. Not exactly on things that might happen but the thought of not able to be there if anything happens.

For what I have never experienced, I think homesickness is when you wish you were there when you see pictures of people you love, it involves constant reassurance that everything will be fine, it's with the regret on things you have taken for granted, it's wondering whether you should keep going or give up, it's the matter of comparing everything with what at home. It's the struggle to make things feel like home when it's not,

I guess that's what I would experience. If I would like to list out everything, I could keep going. And it would only get me more and more anxious. But through it all, no matter how much I get worried, none of them is within my ability to control. The only thing I am able to rule is my reaction towards it. I think writing about it is one of the ways to cope with the upcoming challenges and honestly I already feel better after writing this. I shall  write another version of this post when I'm there. 

Home is where the heart is, so I shall survive to be home again. 

Another filler post
| 1:19:00 AM | 0 comment(s)

I guess I write better when I am quite gloomy. It feels like there's more to express. And it often helps. I feel better after writing about what bothers me. The need to form sentence by sentence and to put things into words indirectly organises what's floating aimlessly in my head.

I notice that my writing style changes over time. Of course that's not surprising because I assume everyone would experience the same thing. Recently I realised that my blog contents are quite emotional (aside from the complaints about my update inconsistency -_-) or mostly opinions as compared to my entries few years back. I notice that I select different things to blog about. Back then it used to be about events, where I would focus on what happened, what did I wear, what this person did, what did that person say etc. More of like a report of that event from my perspective. And it's quite entertaining to read them back because it helps me to recollect about the event itself . 

After being on a loooong hiatus , like, a really long one, I found that I could no longer blog the way I did before. It requires a heck of a struggle and I don't feel like I'm into it anymore. I'm now more comfortable writing about what I feel rather than what happened. 

Nonetheless, just because my blog contents are mostly emotional, it doesn't mean that I am depressed or emotional 24/7/ Oh really? AM I NOT?? xD  I just feel the need to capture what I feel about. The deeper I feel, the more I want to write about it. 

Is this a result of growing up? Hahah I don't know

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