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Where the heart is
August 24, 2017 | 4:08:00 AM | 0 comment(s)

I am never really away from home. The furthest I've been was for university. Of course the first week or even month was hard. There were times when I felt like going home when things got out of hand. But soon, adaptation took place and I got better. 

I don't really think that's what homesickness really feels like. Because no matter how miserable I was, it's still with the thought of  "I can still go home", " I just need to survive for this certain amount of time before going home" The distance is still reachable. That's what keeps me going. Therefore, I was fine for most of the time and never really experienced homesickness. 

I'm in the middle of sorting things out for my upcoming semester and if everything goes well and approved I would complete my final year abroad. Of course I am excited but I get anxious at the same time. I think that is when I would really discover the true definition of homesickness.

When I said I would miss home, it's not the physical thing as in the house I would miss. It's what makes home, home. It's the people that you love and treasure. You see, we grow and get older each day and so do people we love. It's not because I am spoiled, or weak but I have to admit I get worried. Not exactly on things that might happen but the thought of not able to be there if anything happens.

For what I have never experienced, I think homesickness is when you wish you were there when you see pictures of people you love, it involves constant reassurance that everything will be fine, it's with the regret on things you have taken for granted, it's wondering whether you should keep going or give up, it's the matter of comparing everything with what at home. It's the struggle to make things feel like home when it's not,

I guess that's what I would experience. If I would like to list out everything, I could keep going. And it would only get me more and more anxious. But through it all, no matter how much I get worried, none of them is within my ability to control. The only thing I am able to rule is my reaction towards it. I think writing about it is one of the ways to cope with the upcoming challenges and honestly I already feel better after writing this. I shall  write another version of this post when I'm there. 

Home is where the heart is, so I shall survive to be home again. 

Another filler post
| 1:19:00 AM | 0 comment(s)

I guess I write better when I am quite gloomy. It feels like there's more to express. And it often helps. I feel better after writing about what bothers me. The need to form sentence by sentence and to put things into words indirectly organises what's floating aimlessly in my head.

I notice that my writing style changes over time. Of course that's not surprising because I assume everyone would experience the same thing. Recently I realised that my blog contents are quite emotional (aside from the complaints about my update inconsistency -_-) or mostly opinions as compared to my entries few years back. I notice that I select different things to blog about. Back then it used to be about events, where I would focus on what happened, what did I wear, what this person did, what did that person say etc. More of like a report of that event from my perspective. And it's quite entertaining to read them back because it helps me to recollect about the event itself . 

After being on a loooong hiatus , like, a really long one, I found that I could no longer blog the way I did before. It requires a heck of a struggle and I don't feel like I'm into it anymore. I'm now more comfortable writing about what I feel rather than what happened. 

Nonetheless, just because my blog contents are mostly emotional, it doesn't mean that I am depressed or emotional 24/7/ Oh really? AM I NOT?? xD  I just feel the need to capture what I feel about. The deeper I feel, the more I want to write about it. 

Is this a result of growing up? Hahah I don't know

I'm a good person
| 12:30:00 AM | 0 comment(s)

Hi my name is Alya and I just broke my promise to update my blog on a monthly basis because I missed July and it's almost the end of August. As a punishment, I shall buy myself three ice cream because they are delicious.

It's different. When you really want to write because you want as compared to when you are ought to write every certain amount of time. It's a good motivation for consistency but the thought of having to update isn't really convenient when you're born rebellious. As a result I always end up having what they call as writer's block. Let me google the definition to help this post looks lengthy.

Writer's block is a condition, primarily associated with writing, in which an author loses the ability to produce new work, or experiences a creative slowdown. The condition ranges in difficulty from coming up with original ideas to being unable to produce a work for years. Throughout history, writer's block has been a documented problem

See. It's not my fault. I am a good person. Heh.
I like how wikipedia describes it as a creative slowdown. I don't know, aside from my weirdness, it sounds artsy and catchy. I like it.

Anyway, from my observation, I tend to complain a lot about updates on my blog rather than actually updating it with real content
(like right now xD)


p/s : I just discovered that Photobucket no longer enable free third party hosting which means I can't use photos uploaded to Photobucket on my blog. Sadly a few entries (especially older ones) are affected and they look hideous noww :'<

June 14, 2017 | 9:35:00 PM | 0 comment(s)

This is an update from my phone just to tick the box of monthly update. I really want to update the blog, I have lots of things to write but sadly the internet connection at home won't cooperate. Guess I have to wait for next month data renewal. Till then, just a short update.

At least I write something in June xD

May 12, 2017 | 11:20:00 PM | 0 comment(s)

I guess I would always update my  blog when the timing is not right. Like,out of all days throughout the year, exam week seems to be the best time to contemplate about everything and then I got this sudden realisation that my blog also needs same amount of attention so it needs to be updated regularly. And then of course inspiration would come flooding out of nowhere.

However it feels good. I like this consistent monthly update as compared to last year where update was on an annual basis xD

I remember
| 11:05:00 PM | 0 comment(s)

Related image

I don't know what description would suit the whole thing best. It is hard to even decide where to start. I am writing this to collect my own thoughts, because they are now in a great clutter, occupying random spaces of my mind.  I decided to write. I'll just keep on writing and see how it goes, hoping I would find solace. 

I ponder back at these last few years. A lot of things have changed. And it is amazing how the reminiscence always converges to one particular portion. A portion in which oblivion is desired, but much to my dismay, it never did. 

Ever heard of the word labyrinth? I choose the word as the best way to describe it.

Labyrinth is defined in many ways. Connecting passages, intricate constructions or complex networks. Which boils down to one basic concept. It's a maze. And in a maze, you are always prone to, getting lost.

Like a labyrinth, I was never sure. Trapped in this constant confusion, it is terrifying to even articulate all the possibilities.

I never knew what was the real occasion behind it. Was it even real? Was it a prank? Or was it a mistake? I do not mind the answer. I just need one. If it was real I am sorry for the way it ended. I am sorry for never acknowledging the courage. For never showing any appreciation behind every effort. If it was a mistake, I am also sorry. However I am happy, because a mistake means it was once for real. It just didn't work. If it was a prank I would have forgiven and thank you regardless, for I have learned my own lesson too throughout these years. I just need an answer.

And like a labyrinth, all these questions are always there. I just don't have enough courage to ask, after what I did. I used to blame myself. For cutting it off, for ending it all. I was not thinking right. It is still the right thing to do, but just not the way I did. And I guess I deserve the unspoken goodbye.

They said brain does not remember everything. It chooses only what is important.  I guess you are important.  

And then I realised
April 2, 2017 | 11:19:00 PM | 0 comment(s)

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I read back my previous post. Of course I got that little cringe, like "WHY WAS I SO EMOTIONAL, WHAT HAS GOTTEN INTO ME".  I also said in my previous post that it is something that I would delete but I changed my mind. I won't. Deleting the post won't erase the fact that I got emotional. And I realised, writing helps. When you write about it, you become clear. All the broken, cluttered pieces, yes, they don't simply come back together. But at least you know; what does each piece mean, where do they belong. For me, that's a good first step. 

I said I grow bitter and bitter, each day. And then I realised, that's a punishment I set for myself. Because it comes from anger. I am too caught up in the feeling that I am wronged, I deserve explanation. But it destroys me from the inside. It makes you feel that you are the only victim. And I don't want to be in that state. I must heal. So I must forgive. I have to let go. 

It's difficult, because the cliche of forgiveness is always , "when you forgive, everything will be alright" . But it's not. The reality is, it becomes worse when you hold onto that belief that when you wake up the next morning it's all rainbows and butterflies. Sadly it's not. 

I would say forgiveness is not easy when you crave justice. The idea of just letting people to walk away after what they have done, after what you have encountered, it annoys you. And yes it still makes me sick, when I meet any of them. It's because we don't want to just let it go. Deep inside, we want them to feel the weight of what they have done. We want them to feel the same. The anger is still boiling, it's still there, even after you declare you already "forgiven" the person. So instead, you're saying to yourself that , if you forgive the person, you're a fool. You're letting them win. It's like a form of betrayal to your justice, and to yourself. I know that feeling, and that's what I thought too. Forgiving is never easy. One second you thought it's over, but when they do the same thing again and again every time, it turns back into anger and rage. 

I hold onto that anger because I always wanted justice. I thought , the angrier I am, the stronger I would be. I thought it's a way to be strong, a wall not to get hurt again. It would fix me. Therefore, I would pursue justice by being strong.

And then I realised, the justice that I yearned for is not always achievable. Holding onto this anger is like continuously hurting myself. It's with the thought of, only them, people who have wronged me could fix the wound. They should know, "I am bleeding and it's because of you". I remember this one saying I found on internet,

You keep bleeding because you're afraid, that once you heal, you would bleed again.

And for me that's true, we just don't acknowledge it. We are afraid of how we would turn out after the wound heals. Would we bleed again? Would it make us weak? Would we be a fool? Would we survive again? We're simply afraid, so we let it bleed. 

And then I realised. Before I forgive, I must learn to accept. I must fix my definition of forgiveness. It's not a magic that would instantly heal. But it is a way to seek peace. It's not forgiveness that would help you to feel at ease, but it's you, yourself. Yes you would lose it once or twice, but try again. Forgive, again. Just like how tired you are at trying, get yourself tired at feeling angry. 

And then I realised. When I keep forgiving, when I keep trying, it helps. I realised that my bigger priority is to restore my own peace, rather that pursuing unrealistic justice. Forgiving does not mean I validate or support all things which hurt me. I just need to accept that, yes I got hurt, they left me marks, but sooner or later I have to heal. The scar is mine, but it also a mark that I survived this emotional battle. I choose to forgive, I choose to heal my own wounds.

And then I realised, I begin to believe -- that tomorrow will be a better day. 

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