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A corner
April 5, 2018 | April 05, 2018 | 0 comment(s)

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It's always comforting to know that in this world, where it is often loud, you are still able to express yourself through writing. For me, it's the most selfless way of expression, without competing to be the loudest, to be heard. Because readers are those who seek to understand willingly. No one is telling them to hear. In fact they don't just hear, they listen. They don't just know, they feel. Without a single sound, communication is still attainable.

Blogging has been a wonderful journey for me. It's always comforting to know I could still have a space for myself, an entire space for me to voice out my deepest thoughts, quietly. It feels like discovering a small park behind a busy street at one corner of the road. That one corner where you find, serenity.

A blessing & a curse
February 25, 2018 | February 25, 2018 | 0 comment(s)



It is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply. Sure it is a blessing, to experience things intensely, to notice how today the sun shined just a little brighter than yesterday, making the room slightly warmer, to notice not only how the sweetness of sugar complemented the salted butter on my toast this morning, but also how the grainy texture made a great companion to the creamy spread. It's like having more reasons to smile.

Sure it is a blessing, to be able to notice how some people would slowly blink and look down after a good laugh, probably trying to mask the sadness within, to notice how some would look at particular people a little longer than usual, because those are the ones they truly care for. It's to notice how some should not have said the things they just did because I could see how bitter the smile given in response, to notice how the one with the loudest voice, is actually trying to hide the nervousness because at the end of the sentence, I could hear the shakiness of their voice. It's to notice all these things and glad that you have been blessed to witness all of these moments people are trying their best to hide.

Every so often, I want to laugh a little harder when the most quiet person makes a joke, I want to listen a bit more attentively to those who always listen to others, I want to appreciate those who always give, to congratulate a paid-off effort, to  respond to that one voice disregarded by the crowd or to pretend that I do not hear it too so the person would not feel embarrassed knowing that someone noticed them being ignored. Somehow, I want people to be okay and happy.  

The reason I said I feel everything so deeply is because I don't just notice things, I feel them. Those who always ask people whether they are okay, I wonder does anyone ever ask the same question to them. Those who need to clarify their actions, is it because they are once shunned by the world? These thoughts, sometimes I could get so drawn into it, that is, if two people are facing the same situation, I would not give the same advice. I would treat each problem separately since each person would react differently.

And because I feel everything deeply, often, my feeling is quite vivid. When I'm happy, it truly means I am. There's no in-between, no grey areas. 

Sure it is a blessing, to feel everything so deeply -- but it's made up of two sides, another side of which I often forgot. That it, too, can be a curse. That it too, can hurt just as deeply. 

Because I notice and feel too much, somehow I feel compelled to make sure that things are okay. But just like how everything has its own capacity, I, too, have a limited capacity of what I can feel at a time - comprised by my own needs and all the emotions I absorb from surroundings. 

It's so hard when both elements are contradicting each other - It's when your own need is contradicting the surrounding. That's why I'm bad at approaching my own conflicts, because I seek to understand multiple entities -- myself and the other party. The conflict usually lies on that line where I'm not willing to sacrifice my own need while attempting to understand the other person, I despise being a people-pleaser but I am a harmony seeker. While figuring out the best way to satisfy both people, this is where the curse strikes. I feel too much therefore I get overwhelmed and shut off. To put thoughts into words at that time would be impossible. Often my first resort is to do anything until the other person walk away, or for me to walk away myself. It's never my intention to be rude but because I crave for space so much at that time to unwind myself, my brain takes a shortcut. When I feel recollected then only I would reflect to solve the conflict. It's one thing I notice about myself, which I would like to improve but still find myself doing the same thing. While I'm trying my best, I somehow make things worse. I somehow, let down and hurt both parties. 

Knowing that I have a limited grab to fix everything , sometimes I  just brush things off and pretend I do not notice nor feel them. Often, when it seems like I don't care it's just because I'm trying my best to ignore it. Which is hard, because it also feels like you are contradicting yourself. It's like forcing yourself to feel less than you actually do. 

When you feel deeply too, it feels almost impossible to find compatible people who will understand you. I'm sure everyone feels like this, because no one could fully understand someone. But for me, the reason is because since I feel things very deeply, I don't know the best way to express it and even if I do, I don't know who would willing to genuinely listen without giving a remark that I'm just overreacting and is just being too emotional. And even if someone does listen, I would surely cut off at least 70% of what I really want to say and instead reassure them I would be okay, because it's now the matter of multiple entities again. While trying to express myself, my other concern would be not to burden this person who's already willing to listen. That's why I often keep things to myself.

It is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply. It is.  

The door
February 3, 2018 | February 03, 2018 | 0 comment(s)

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This feeling. It feels like being outside a room, right in front of an unlocked door. One hand is reaching the knob, but I just could not bring myself to open it. 

And because the hand has been there for quite a while, it gets tired. Letting a small sigh, I reluctantly lower it down. 

I tried knocking, making occasional sound to send a message that there's a person outside -- But just like last time and every single time, there's no answer. It leaves me uneasy. Were the knocks too slow that they could not be heard? Or were they intentionally ignored? Did the person inside despise me as a guest, or waiting for the door to be opened?

It's a door, not a see through pane, nor a window. Not a long stare, let alone a glance could figure out what lies on the other side. Is the door meant for an entrance or is it an exit?

I guess I am too afraid. I'm afraid of what's waiting on the other side. I am afraid of whether I am ready to accept any possible outcomes, of what would greet me from behind. Because once it's opened, a lot would change.

Knowing that I would never have enough strength to open the door right now, all I could cling onto is just a hope -- for the door to be at least slightly opened from the inside. It does not have to be wide, a slight one would do. A slight one would be enough, that is, if the outside was so dark, it would appear as if there's a line of light emitted from the inside. That would be more than enough. For at least I can take a peek and decide. Of whether I should stay or walk away.

Right now, all I could afford is to wait outside, staring blankly at the door, probably waiting for a new courage. This hand is reaching the knob a few times, I just need some faith to give it a turn. Or maybe I'll just wait. At least until I found enough reasons and strength to walk away, accepting that the door is  not meant to be opened by me.

Right now. That is how it feels like.

January
| February 03, 2018 | 0 comment(s)

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Sheeeeesh kebab What a start for 2018 . How did I miss my monthly post, it's already February. 

Saturday, 1:51am @ Mc Cafe in Germany
December 23, 2017 | December 23, 2017 | 0 comment(s)

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I am writing this while I have no other options to retreat, when the only choice to feel better is to write. These cluttered thoughts are starting to turn into one big pile of mess. I am with the crowd, but only physically. Those voices, laughter, they are loud and fun. They are also welcoming and warm, yet they can't compete with the voice I'm having inside my head.

I wish I could grab the root of what's going on. I wish I could dissect my head, take out all these thoughts and start to solve them as if they were jigsaws. That's the worst part, I'm overwhelmed by what I can't really comprehend. It would have been a lot, lot bearable if I could figure out the reason(s). When I crave space, I unintentionally push people away. I wish I have this sign written on my head explaining why I have to do this because right now it's hard to even say a few words, let alone explaining why I need to be alone.

Right now I feel so blessed to have all these people. These past few days travelling together have been so memorable. They're all sitting beside me, playing cards at Mc Cafe since 12am. I really appreciate all the kind words, all concerns expressed, all jokes and humour to cheer me up, all reassuring smile, all invitations when it's time for next game, all spaces given yet sadly I can't even genuinely smile or properly say thank you. The happiness they're feeling right now, the good moments they're having right now, those delight screams at winning, those laughter at losing, that kind of happiness, I sincerely wish it would stay the same way for them.

I'm done blaming myself every time I feel the need to withdraw from the crowd. To indulge in self-guilt is no longer what I shall do. It is complicated and the guilt is still there, but somehow, I can't stop my demanding nature. I shall give myself space -- what it really demands. I'm withdrawing from the crowd, and it's okay.

I guess It's okay to feel overwhelmed eventhough I can't really understand why, and I, too, hope I would be okay tomorrow.

What a shame
November 12, 2017 | November 12, 2017 | 0 comment(s)



I walked through this one building, in this city that still felt new. I was all by myself for a recharge. I walked through this one short passageway, to go to the other side. Strangely enough, it felt as if the world has paused for a while. It felt as if there's a new world at the end of the way. It made me realised something. 
What a shame.

It's already approaching the end of autumn. What a shame, it felt like I didn't cherish it enough. It's always been a rush. To get to the other side, to get a couple of things from that store, to get onto the bus. Everything sounded like a plan with one aim -- Make everything as fast as possible. Do this as quick as you can, walk with your biggest pace, do not wait.  It's not wrong to be in a rush for such important things. But it should be limited only in a physical sense. It's a shame how my mind got carried away as well. 

It's the impatience to go home after class because of the cold weather, to let the days pass quicker, to sigh at the temperature. It's to rush on the adaptation without actually enjoying the process  . What a shame. 

I forgot. In the midst of the cool breeze, the rustling leaves, the single digits in the temperature reading, I forgot at just how calming it could be. 

It's when your daily pants has become the second layer because you now need an extra layer underneath, it's when you pull out your hoodie from your thickest outer because it's starting to rain, to put on the knitted scarf around your neck, to snuggle under the thick cover, to sip on a cup of hot chocolate, the excitement at your visible breath when it's really really cold. I should've noticed all of it earlier.

A momentary walk through that passageway has knocked my senses. It's still walking at your biggest pace, but not with the thought of going home. It's cherishing with your mind, even when you're in a rush. 

After that realisation, I began to notice more things. I noticed how days by days, the road would appear narrower that it actually was,  because the leaf piles by the roadside were growing. I noticed how yesterday those leaves would still make a crunchy sound when you step on them but today, everything just squished together. I noticed how that day tiny frosts were formed on that tram railway because the previous night was so cold. I began to notice more, and cherish more. 

And that's why once in a while, I need a retreat. 

Yes you should rush, but not with your mind.


I made it
September 30, 2017 | September 30, 2017 | 0 comment(s)

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For what I've been saying to myself over and over, for what I have been endlessly convincing myself for so long, for what I have been forcefully reassuring myself to believe, finally today I could say it.  I made it. 

It has been too many phases, I've been holding on for too long. I'm done feeding on my own illusive expectations, my own lies --- for years and years. 

For the sight of a slight update which used to excite, it didn't affect me as much now. For what used to break me badly once, I discovered the same thing recently and it didn't haunt me as much. The presence of someone new in your life instead brought me a smile, almost like a validation -- that it is finally the right time to completely let go. Surprisingly what consumed me was tranquility rather than what used to be sadness and disappointment . I finally realised. What used to be a deep sigh now becomes a breath of relief.  It's not hate, it's not denying. It's finally accepting. 

For all the answers I yearned for, I finally discovered the real one answer -- questions aren't always meant to be answered. For all the opportunities I missed along the way, I would treat all the lessons as my compensation.

For what isn't meant to be. I am letting you go. With a smile


Where the heart is
August 24, 2017 | August 24, 2017 | 0 comment(s)



I am never really away from home. The furthest I've been was for university. Of course the first week or even month was hard. There were times when I felt like going home when things got out of hand. But soon, adaptation took place and I got better. 

I don't really think that's what homesickness really feels like. Because no matter how miserable I was, it's still with the thought of  "I can still go home", " I just need to survive for this certain amount of time before going home" The distance is still reachable. That's what keeps me going. Therefore, I was fine for most of the time and never really experienced homesickness. 

I'm in the middle of sorting things out for my upcoming semester and if everything goes well and approved I would complete my final year abroad. Of course I am excited but I get anxious at the same time. I think that is when I would really discover the true definition of homesickness.

When I said I would miss home, it's not the physical thing as in the house I would miss. It's what makes home, home. It's the people that you love and treasure. You see, we grow and get older each day and so do people we love. It's not because I am spoiled, or weak but I have to admit I get worried. Not exactly on things that might happen but the thought of not able to be there if anything happens.

For what I have never experienced, I think homesickness is when you wish you were there when you see pictures of people you love, it involves constant reassurance that everything will be fine, it's with the regret on things you have taken for granted, it's wondering whether you should keep going or give up, it's the matter of comparing everything with what at home. It's the struggle to make things feel like home when it's not,

I guess that's what I would experience. If I would like to list out everything, I could keep going. And it would only get me more and more anxious. But through it all, no matter how much I get worried, none of them is within my ability to control. The only thing I am able to rule is my reaction towards it. I think writing about it is one of the ways to cope with the upcoming challenges and honestly I already feel better after writing this. I shall  write another version of this post when I'm there. 

Home is where the heart is, so I shall survive to be home again. 


Another filler post
| August 24, 2017 | 0 comment(s)

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I guess I write better when I am quite gloomy. It feels like there's more to express. And it often helps. I feel better after writing about what bothers me. The need to form sentence by sentence and to put things into words indirectly organises what's floating aimlessly in my head.

I notice that my writing style changes over time. Of course that's not surprising because I assume everyone would experience the same thing. Recently I realised that my blog contents are quite emotional (aside from the complaints about my update inconsistency -_-) or mostly opinions as compared to my entries few years back. I notice that I select different things to blog about. Back then it used to be about events, where I would focus on what happened, what did I wear, what this person did, what did that person say etc. More of like a report of that event from my perspective. And it's quite entertaining to read them back because it helps me to recollect about the event itself . 

After being on a loooong hiatus , like, a really long one, I found that I could no longer blog the way I did before. It requires a heck of a struggle and I don't feel like I'm into it anymore. I'm now more comfortable writing about what I feel rather than what happened. 

Nonetheless, just because my blog contents are mostly emotional, it doesn't mean that I am depressed or emotional 24/7/ Oh really? AM I NOT?? xD  I just feel the need to capture what I feel about. The deeper I feel, the more I want to write about it. 

Is this a result of growing up? Hahah I don't know


I'm a good person
| August 24, 2017 | 0 comment(s)


Hi my name is Alya and I just broke my promise to update my blog on a monthly basis because I missed July and it's almost the end of August. As a punishment, I shall buy myself three ice cream because they are delicious.

It's different. When you really want to write because you want as compared to when you are ought to write every certain amount of time. It's a good motivation for consistency but the thought of having to update isn't really convenient when you're born rebellious. As a result I always end up having what they call as writer's block. Let me google the definition to help this post looks lengthy.

Writer's block is a condition, primarily associated with writing, in which an author loses the ability to produce new work, or experiences a creative slowdown. The condition ranges in difficulty from coming up with original ideas to being unable to produce a work for years. Throughout history, writer's block has been a documented problem

See. It's not my fault. I am a good person. Heh.
I like how wikipedia describes it as a creative slowdown. I don't know, aside from my weirdness, it sounds artsy and catchy. I like it.

Anyway, from my observation, I tend to complain a lot about updates on my blog rather than actually updating it with real content
(like right now xD)

..

p/s : I just discovered that Photobucket no longer enable free third party hosting which means I can't use photos uploaded to Photobucket on my blog. Sadly a few entries (especially older ones) are affected and they look hideous noww :'<

JUNE
June 14, 2017 | June 14, 2017 | 0 comment(s)

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This is an update from my phone just to tick the box of monthly update. I really want to update the blog, I have lots of things to write but sadly the internet connection at home won't cooperate. Guess I have to wait for next month data renewal. Till then, just a short update.

At least I write something in June xD


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