June 14, 2017 | 9:35:00 PM | 0 vanilla(s)
This is an update from my phone just to tick the box of monthly update. I really want to update the blog, I have lots of things to write but sadly the internet connection at home won't cooperate. Guess I have to wait for next month data renewal. Till then, just a short update.
At least I write something in June xD
May 12, 2017 | 11:20:00 PM | 0 vanilla(s)
I guess I would always update my blog when the timing is not right. Like,out of all days throughout the year, exam week seems to be the best time to contemplate about everything and then I got this sudden realisation that my blog also needs same amount of attention so it needs to be updated regularly. And then of course inspiration would come flooding out of nowhere.
However it feels good. I like this consistent monthly update as compared to last year where update was on an annual basis xD
However it feels good. I like this consistent monthly update as compared to last year where update was on an annual basis xD
| 11:05:00 PM | 0 vanilla(s)
I don't know what description would suit the whole thing best. It is hard to even decide where to start. I am writing this to collect my own thoughts, because they are now in a great clutter, occupying random spaces of my mind. I decided to write. I'll just keep on writing and see how it goes, hoping I would find solace.
I ponder back at these last few years. A lot of things have changed. And it is amazing how the reminiscence always converges to one particular portion. A portion in which oblivion is desired, but much to my dismay, it never did.
Ever heard of the word labyrinth? I choose the word as the best way to describe it.
Labyrinth is defined in many ways. Connecting passages, intricate constructions or complex networks. Which boils down to one basic concept. It's a maze. And in a maze, you are always prone to, getting lost.
Like a labyrinth, I was never sure. Trapped in this constant confusion, it is terrifying to even articulate all the possibilities.
I never knew what was the real occasion behind it. Was it even real? Was it a prank? Or was it a mistake? I do not mind the answer. I just need one. If it was real I am sorry for the way it ended. I am sorry for never acknowledging the courage. For never showing any appreciation behind every effort. If it was a mistake, I am also sorry. However I am happy, because a mistake means it was once for real. It just didn't work. If it was a prank I would have forgiven and thank you regardless, for I have learned my own lesson too throughout these years. I just need an answer.
And like a labyrinth, all these questions are always there. I just don't have enough courage to ask, after what I did. I used to blame myself. For cutting it off, for ending it all. I was not thinking right. It is still the right thing to do, but just not the way I did. And I guess I deserve the unspoken goodbye.
They said brain does not remember everything. It chooses only what is important. I guess you are important.
And then I realised
April 2, 2017 | 11:19:00 PM | 0 vanilla(s)
I read back my previous post. Of course I got that little cringe, like "WHY WAS I SO EMOTIONAL, WHAT HAS GOTTEN INTO ME". I also said in my previous post that it is something that I would delete but I changed my mind. I won't. Deleting the post won't erase the fact that I got emotional. And I realised, writing helps. When you write about it, you become clear. All the broken, cluttered pieces, yes, they don't simply come back together. But at least you know; what does each piece mean, where do they belong. For me, that's a good first step.
I said I grow bitter and bitter, each day. And then I realised, that's a punishment I set for myself. Because it comes from anger. I am too caught up in the feeling that I am wronged, I deserve explanation. But it destroys me from the inside. It makes you feel that you are the only victim. And I don't want to be in that state. I must heal. So I must forgive. I have to let go.
It's difficult, because the cliche of forgiveness is always , "when you forgive, everything will be alright" . But it's not. The reality is, it becomes worse when you hold onto that belief that when you wake up the next morning it's all rainbows and butterflies. Sadly it's not.
I would say forgiveness is not easy when you crave justice. The idea of just letting people to walk away after what they have done, after what you have encountered, it annoys you. And yes it still makes me sick, when I meet any of them. It's because we don't want to just let it go. Deep inside, we want them to feel the weight of what they have done. We want them to feel the same. The anger is still boiling, it's still there, even after you declare you already "forgiven" the person. So instead, you're saying to yourself that , if you forgive the person, you're a fool. You're letting them win. It's like a form of betrayal to your justice, and to yourself. I know that feeling, and that's what I thought too. Forgiving is never easy. One second you thought it's over, but when they do the same thing again and again every time, it turns back into anger and rage.
I hold onto that anger because I always wanted justice. I thought , the angrier I am, the stronger I would be. I thought it's a way to be strong, a wall not to get hurt again. It would fix me. Therefore, I would pursue justice by being strong.
And then I realised, the justice that I yearned for is not always achievable. Holding onto this anger is like continuously hurting myself. It's with the thought of, only them, people who have wronged me could fix the wound. They should know, "I am bleeding and it's because of you". I remember this one saying I found on internet,
You keep bleeding because you're afraid, that once you heal, you would bleed again.
And for me that's true, we just don't acknowledge it. We are afraid of how we would turn out after the wound heals. Would we bleed again? Would it make us weak? Would we be a fool? Would we survive again? We're simply afraid, so we let it bleed.
And then I realised. Before I forgive, I must learn to accept. I must fix my definition of forgiveness. It's not a magic that would instantly heal. But it is a way to seek peace. It's not forgiveness that would help you to feel at ease, but it's you, yourself. Yes you would lose it once or twice, but try again. Forgive, again. Just like how tired you are at trying, get yourself tired at feeling angry.
And then I realised. When I keep forgiving, when I keep trying, it helps. I realised that my bigger priority is to restore my own peace, rather that pursuing unrealistic justice. Forgiving does not mean I validate or support all things which hurt me. I just need to accept that, yes I got hurt, they left me marks, but sooner or later I have to heal. The scar is mine, but it also a mark that I survived this emotional battle. I choose to forgive, I choose to heal my own wounds.
And then I realised, I begin to believe -- that tomorrow will be a better day.
March 5, 2017 | 1:45:00 PM | 0 vanilla(s)
This might be a post that I would delete afterwards, I don’t know. This is just a quick rant. I’m at my breakdown.
I become bitter lately. I grow bitter and cold day by day. I don’t like the inner me that is screaming, “Why am I like this” when at the same time I could do nothing. This might sound stupid but it all started when I was completely ignored by a group of people in my campus. It sounds like I am being weak. But it’s not as easy when you have to face it almost everyday. You’re in the same place as them so the chances of meeting them are very high.
The worst thing is I don’t know the reason why am I ignored. At least if I know, I could’ve comprehended their treatment, I could’ve talked to them or apologised. It hurts so much when you don’t even deserve an explanation and everything just suddenly happened. I haven’t been given time to get ready for this.
I tried almost everything that I could. I figured out all possibilities. I mean we are not children anymore. This whole thing for me is childish. So I tried my best to act neutral, avoiding any chances for things to get awkward but it’s still the same.
The first time I was ignored, I thought it might be that just one time. Maybe that person was having a problem, or got stressed..etc. So I acted like usual, smiled every time we meet. But still, I didn’t exist. And then I tried again. I thought it might be just with that person. So I acted as usual around everyone in the same group. It’s still, the same. So I thought, let them be. It bugged me on the inside at first but I just brushed it off. I noticed the difference and I didn’t want to act childish. They might have problems at the moment, and things would be fine later.
If they are a group of people I am close to or if I am one of their group, I would get it. Sometimes when you’re close with people, conflicts do happen and they might be in need of space or time. The problem with this issue is that they are a group of people I really respect, because they are older. Not really a group of people I spend most of my time with. So, it’s the last thing I would expect to get. Instead, I expect maturity.
Worst thing happened during that one time I walked with my friend in cafeteria, one of them was there. She was one of them that I am (was) most close with compared to other people in that group. The person waved at my friend happily, and talked very brightly while I was there sitting opposite to her. I didn’t mind, it’s not for the fact that she was talking with my friend. I was just disappointed because at that time I really thought “Okay this might be the chance for things to get better so I’ll just play along”. I tried my best to react and join in the conversation she was having with my friend. But she didn’t even look at me after I tried so m any times. It’s like I wasn’t there. All this time I was calculating all possibilities whether it was only me who felt that way, maybe it was me who just overthinking things. However at that moment I got my answer. I’ve never felt more insulted. So I walked away giving excuses I needed to go somewhere else.
I have a lot of respect on that person before, but now I don’t know anymore. I might sound overly emotional over small thing, but it’s not really for the fact she ignored me. It’s because of the worthlessness I felt deep inside. I struggled so hard to act neutral after all the treatment I received. I faked a laugh, I asked questions just to have some interactions with her and I was treated like I didn’t exist in front of everyone else. The thing that made me sad the most was when a part of me told me to give up, it’s no use. I am not a person who would cry easily but at that time I lose it. That was the point where I grow bitter each day, without realising. I don’t mind if I know what’s the real problem or reasons. I wasn’t mentally prepared for this so it hit me greatly.
It didn’t help when the next morning I walked with another friend and we met. And again, she waved so happily to my friend. All I did was staring at her face to see her reaction or whether she would even look at me. I swear if she was gonna act as usual I would accept and forget everything. But I could see she was trying so hard not to look at me. So I walked away, again. The difference this time, I was filled with rage. That was the part when it’s becoming worrying. I don’t like it when I am filled with anger. After having a breakdown on the previous day, I thought it’s not worth it to let myself feel that way just because of certain people. After that, I thought to myself. I was the one who let myself get so affected. They couldn’t hurt me if I didn’t let myself to get hurt. It’s like I am trying to protect myself from feeling sad again by replacing the sadness with anger, without me realising it.
One thing about this matter is that , it’s not something I think about 24/7, seriously. It affects me a lot because one day I am having my normal day with good mood and suddenly things are radiating black aura when I happen to meet one of them in campus. Basically it’s ruining my mood. And as time progresses, when you experience this kind of thing so frequently, you become somewhat numb. You get annoyed. And then without you realising it, you’re turning into a bitter person.
It’s the next thing I noticed about me. I become bitter. I get annoyed so easily even when people around me make small mistakes. I get irritated quite frequently when people do annoying things. See, it could’ve been not really annoying but the fact I’m putting ‘annoying’ as the adjective shows that I find it annoying. I become less interested in everything. I somehow find everything would be of no use. It might’ve been the self-defense mechanism that is activated due to what has happened. Maybe my body does not want me to experience same breakdown again so I was put in a defensive mode. However I do not like this.
Before I end my post, if anyone is reading this (which I hope not because it’s embarrassing and even if you do I hope you are someone I don’t know or else it would have been more embarrassing) , never give people silent treatment. You don’t know what kind of damage you could have cause. Silent treatment is very dangerous because it’s the nature of silence that demands to be filled. There is no limitations on what kinds of thought it would be filled with. It can be interpreted in many ways, things you might not have imagined. If you have issue, tell the person. If you want your own space and time, tell the person. Don’t just shut off people so easily when you want to. It's not the treatment that matters the most. It's the difference in it. I wouldn't have been this affected if from the beginning it's like this. And I'm not expecting any special treatment. I need explanation.
I am not the right person to say this as I might be doing the same thing due to what has happened. I realised that I pushed people away lately. I am deeply sorry.
I hope I would heal.
Lemon & Herbs
September 23, 2016 | 6:24:00 PM | 0 vanilla(s)
Have you ever felt so mad because one day you went to store and you wanted to buy dipping sauce and then you see this extravagant packaging dipping sauce that says "Lemon & Herbs" and it sounded so elegant which made you thought to yourself, "Wow this might worth a try"
It sounds very sophisticated you know (at least to me). "LEMON AND HERBS" -- with indulging acidic adventure of fresh lemon,perfected by hint of various aromatic herbs that bring out the natural flavour of your FEWWWWWWD.
And after that amount of excitement and high expectations, guess what. I tried the sauce and it was very............ um, how should I say it , it's very "LEMONY AND HERBY" . Lemony in a sense that I'm gonna burn your tongue with this acidic adventure .... of nightmare and endless mental sufferings perfected by a great deal of herbs that will leave your tongue and heart NUMB.
After all, no one is to be blamed. The packaging says "LEMON & HERBS" and it gave me real taste of "LEMON & HERBS".
September 13, 2016 | 4:34:00 PM | 0 vanilla(s)
I always have a soft spot for mystery things. Things that are concealed, kept as hidden. They intrigue my interest. I like things that are unusual, or sometimes might be seen as troubled, odd, or things that are underappreciated . I love things that are not too direct. Things that have somewhat like an imaginary wall around them where you have to put a little thinking or feeling to actually comprehend it. I do not fancy things that are too mainstream or in trend although they are undoubtedly good. I am not against them, it's just not my preference and I don't have issues on people who are into them.
By the way this is not an emo post of "You know my name not my story" "You don't know my life" "Welcome to my misery" "You can't see tears behind my fake smile" and stuff
lol What I simply mean is that, this is not an emotional rant to show how I love hidden things because I want people to discover the exceptionally beautiful soul within me behind that fake smile under the rain or whatsoever because that is so 2009 and very corny , seriously xD On an unrelated note,yes I have a beautiful soul, HAHAHA thanks.
You know one of those nights where you are on your bed, you just cannot sleep and suddenly all information in this universe runs through your mind
where it is the best time to regret all decisions you have made in life HAHA. Well it happened to me recently, and I finally realised that almost every actions, decisions, choices I made boils down to this one fact -- I love things that are hidden.
I did not quite really notice it before. I mean, I realise my preference is always contrasting from people. And that is not because I intentionally want to be different to show how superior I am as an individual. It just occurs naturally. And it's not something to be proud of either. I listen to songs that people don't really listen to, my clothes are all VERY outdated, I would not hesitate to try weird food (most of the time I usually end up liking them tho some do not taste nice). I always thought my preference is different because I'm just weird.
People who are close with me would know how weird my taste is. My mom would always make this "I knew it" face every time we would have meals outside because I would order food I never tried. The harder it is to pronounce it, the more I want to try it. And I always get that "Pelek pelek sokmo, tahu doh" xD. My friend, Ipy (oh ipy if you're reading this, HAI ! xD) warned me not to pick the weird soup base (chinese ginseng something if I'm not mistaken) when we were about to eat at Seoul Garden because she just knows me so well. Ohhhh ohh ohhh and that one time in uni, it was exam week so naturally people would buy from vending machine. People would usually opt for coffee or Milo but I tried every single type of beverages available and seriously they tasted weird (you can't expect a nice cup of juice for 90cents). So when I was at the vending machine once with my friend, she said something like " Haaa dah tak payah pilih yang pelik, membazir duit tak sedap". I lol'd harder that I should because I did not expect she would notice it xD
When it comes to clothes, I generally like t-shirts. For me, they fit almost every occasions if picked wisely (which is rarely done by me because I wear the same thing everyday lol) . So back in secondary school, I was in a satisfactorily religious environment, so when it comes to t-shirt, we have this innovation (lol) called T-shirt Muslimah, (basically a normal t-shirt, but longer to bring out the Muslimah image (?) ). I don't know if that's the correct definition, it's just a normal t-shirt but longer to cover yourself better. Back then I was an avid fan of those T-shirt Muslimah lol xD But without realising why and how, I grew up not liking them as much as I did before. I did not notice it until my mom pointed it out for me. Then I realised, I do not like them now. Not in a way of "I HATE YOU AND I WILL NEVER WEAR YOU FOREVER". I don't know. I just don't really fancy the direct theme brought by it anymore. What I mean is, I don't like the idea of "because you are a muslimah, you have to wear muslimah shirt". Usually those T-shirts have "Iman adalah penyeri" "Aku adalah pejuang" "Kesabaran adalah permata..etc" kind of printing on them, which is undeniably good message to be conveyed, but I just don't fancy it anymore, not that I'm being a rebel. I don't know whether not liking it anymore is a good or bad thing. Now I am more towards normal or plain T-shirts, without obvious printing, but still long, big and comfy enough to cover myself. After it was pointed out by my mom then only I realised, as I grow older I like things that are hidden even when it comes to clothes. In this case it's the " you don't necessarily have to wear muslimah t-shirts to become or appear as one". But of course any of these does not mean I am against people who wear it, it's a personal preference so it should not be a problem.
These are like few insignificant examples on how I came into conclusion that I actually love things that are hidden. It would be a lengthy boring post if I were to list each and every details about it. Up until this moment, I still don't know whether it's a good or bad thing. Probably it's driven by my current environment, personality or characters. It could change any time. And the reason I'm posting this is because I think it is something worth to be remembered. Who knows I might change again one day, and if so, this is one of my self discovery that I would like to reminisce --- I have a thing on mystery thing, and the reason why I love them,up until now, is still also a mystery.